Wednesday, August 5, 2015

How to Prove You're a Scaredy-Cat

It's hip to be scared these days, and I don't blame you for wanting to get in on the trend, so I've got some suggestions. If you want to look weak and terrified, there are several things you can do:
1. Harden your heart. Remember, you are too weak to help others. Instead, sneer at their misfortunes. This will make the superiority of your position obvious.
2. Control, control, control. It is important to control everyone around you, because if you can't be happy, they shouldn't either.
3. You've got to pack heat. Nothing says, "I'm about to pee my pants" like a gun in your hip holster at the grocery store.
4. Shoot at shadows in the dark. Most likely they are your family members, but you've got a reputation to uphold and that is more important.
5. Be as rude as you can in hopes that strangers will go away. They are probably scary and mean, and that should make you tremble.
6. Put up a big fence and signs that say "Keep Out". This makes your home easier to identify.
7. Paranoia is a must-have, but you should know that already. Start looking for threats! Especially beware of anyone who laughs. They are probably laughing at you.
If all of this seems too exhausting, maybe you're not as fearful as you thought. Maybe you are actually powerful.
Bummer for you, because you're never going to fit in.