Wednesday, March 25, 2015

Priority Mail Stickers

The post office is up to no good. I bet you didn't know that. You thought it was just about strong legs and polyester uniforms. Maybe you pictured postal carriers striding through the neighborhood, stuffing wedding invitations into mail boxes, petting dogs, waving at old ladies. You may have thought they were harmless, like the Girl Scouts.
First of all, the Girl Scouts aren't as benign as you think. You think you want those cookies? No, it's fear that makes you buy those cookies.
The Post Office is even more insidious.
Take a look around. No, really look at your local light poles, electrical transformers and the backs of No Parking signs. Have you noticed all of those stickers? They usually have graffiti scrawled on them: illegible words or primitive drawings. You might see them and chuckle, kids and their stickers, but you don't think about it again, and besides you can't read that funny writing anyway.
Look higher. Look at the tops of the stickers. Almost always, they say: USPS Priority Mail.
Why Priority Mail stickers verses, for example, Easter Seals return address labels or "Hello, My Name Is..." badges?
I'll tell you why: It's because the Postal Service is a gang.
Think Hell's Angels, but with more power, more prestige and more members. They deliver your Cialis, your porn, your potato canons. All of the illicit stuff people order online.
But UPS and Fedex are cutting into their business so the Postal Service needs to mark its territory, scare away the competition.
You ever wonder why postal trucks have the steering wheel on the wrong side? It's so the driver's gun hand is free for shooting out the window. Deadly in a drive-by.
Just saying.