Friday, January 16, 2015

Trauma Counselling and Cookies

Dear Resort Staff,
I really enjoyed my stay in Belize. The snorkeling and birding Adventure Tours were lovely, and I really liked that you gave us cookies at the end of every tour. The problem is, I never really felt like I faced death the way you should if you're having a real Adventure. I thought you should offer something with a little more oomph. Below are my suggestions.
Feed the Crocodiles Adventure
Resort provides: gum boots and chicken. Cookies.
Tour Highlights: Plumply delicious guests wade into the marsh carrying  a chicken to meet hungry crocodiles. Guides shout encouragement from shore.
Fer de Lance Kissing Adventure
Resort provides: one of the most venomous snakes in the world. Cookies.
Tour Highlights: Optional side trip to village hospital.
Ancient Mayan Beauty Treatments Adventure
Resort Provides: muscular attendants to hold guests down while their foreheads are flattened with stones. Cookies.
Tour Highlights: Be the first in your hometown to sport this bold ancient aesthetic. Learn the secret to alluringly crossed eyes. Additional charge for jade dental implants for  moldy mouth look.
Mini Shaman Training Adventure
Tour Includes: Hallucinogens, three days in a dark cave, and snake hunting.
Resort Provides: Debriefing by an experienced trauma counselor. Cookies.