Tuesday, April 9, 2013

My Million Dollar Ideas





These are the ideas that are going to make someone rich. You’re welcome. You don’t have to send me any money… Okay, well, if you insist…


  • A device to curse out voice-recognition software in a way that it can understand, and maybe even make it apologize.
  • A car that comes when you call it.
  • The Burrito Bra, for storing snacks (like, uh, burritos) and water. Also makes you look busty…
  • A newspaper that lets you know about some of the good things that happened yesterday.
  • Child-sized gerbil exercise balls, for everyone’s safety. What the heck, how about adult-sized gerbil balls? That would be rad.
  • Glasses that make everything look like a tropical beach, but you can see well enough not to trip and fall down.
  • Self-cleaning bathroom: spray-wash and blow dry, like an automatic car wash!
  • A printer that fits one internet page onto one paper page, without printing the last line on a separate piece of paper.
  • Self-administered bad-breath detector.
  • A clothing line with pockets to carry everything, but you don’t look like you’re on safari.
  • Commuter highway hovercraft.
  • A telephone that allows you to communicate telepathically.
  • A health club that captures all of the energy expended by people on stationary bikes and stair masters, and uses it for something cool, like twinkly lights.
  • Cupboards that wash the dishes, so you don’t have to put them away afterward.
  • A computer that you can throw when you get angry, and it smashes satisfyingly, but still works fine afterward.